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Excerpt
Selena in 1983, age 13
“I don’t feel lonely,” Selena says. “I quite like being alone. When I was younger I invited friends over, and we never thought much of two men sleeping in the same room. However, now it’s different. Now I’m at an age where my friends would know exactly what it means.”
“Like one time I had this girl over who I didn’t really feel that comfortable with. We were going to the school dance and we had to come here to change first. But see, she didn’t have time to assess the situation. We just came in, changed, and left. If she asked any questions I just switched the subject. In my new school friends might come over, but it would be like that. They wouldn’t have time to figure out what is going on.”
Selena pushes her pillows up against the wall. She scoots back and leans against them. Her feet, in her white socks, stick out over the edge of the bed. “Eventually it will probably come out,” Selena says, opening her brown eyes wide. “My father always carries this leather bag, and if he ever comes to a function at my next school—” Selena’s voice trails off. She stares sadly in front of her.
“It doesn’t bother me that much, and it’s getting to bother me less because it’s becoming more common. But if he comes to my next school, I’m not going to say a damn thing. Let them think whatever they want to think. I’m positive that they’re going to say something about it. They’ll probably ridicule me for the rest of my school life, until I leave that school. I just think people are like that.”
It starts to snow outside. First a few flakes fall lazily from the sky, then more. Andrew has finished wrapping the trees with lights. By the time Andrew walks with the end of the cords to the garage, to plug them in, snowflakes are filling the air. They are falling lightly on the grass, on the trees, on the driveway. Andrew plugs in the strings of lights.
Selena sits up and sneezes suddenly. She sneezes again. She takes a tissue out of the box and wipes her nose. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone that I can talk to about these things,” Selena says. “It’s impossible in my school, but I know it’s not impossible. Then again, maybe I’m not looking for that person. I don’t know.”
Selena in 2022
Joe - You were protective of the secret because you didn't think your friends would understand and be able to treat you right after learning the truth. However, you also saw the way the world was looking at your father and Andrew. If you went to a grocery store and people were giving sideways glances, or whispering something, you were very protective of them. The whole family was very aware of being slighted. And then you had the nosy neighbors.
Selena - We had to be hyper aware. But we did have one set of neighbors that were just a godsend, our immediate neighbors were from Germany. They had no issues with it and were so welcoming. And it was so wonderful to be warmly accepted by another family. We were this little party of three in this tiny little town and we stuck out like Rudolph the reindeer. About 6 years ago I got back in touch with a girl who had lived down the street. And she shared that, “my parents told me not to come to your house anymore.” I was mostly aware that kids were told that, but she was the first person who revealed that her parents told her not to come over. However, to her credit, she still came to our house.
Joe - And did her parents say why she couldn't come?
Selena - I mean, you're in a small town with one stoplight. You get two men living in a house. They carry purses in this almost entirely Catholic agricultural town, and have a seven year old girl. We were given a wide berth.
Joe - It's really interesting how prevalent the prejudice was at that time. It was horrible. And here we are now. Yes, it's 40 years later, but it’s so different.
Selena – Yes, and it is so very sad that my father never lived to see any of that.
Joe - How long ago did he die
Selena - 24 years ago. That's before Ellen was on TV, before you had Anderson Cooper on TV, and Don Lemon on TV. And now lots of gay people are adopting kids, and gay couples are getting married. Every time I turn around, I'm meeting same sex couples who have multiple kids. I mean, it's a different planet than the one I grew up on. And I think it is going to be really hard for anyone who is being raised in a gay family now to understand what it was like to be a part of that forty years ago. Because it was a completely different world. It was a completely different world. And I don't think it changed dramatically for 20 years after that time. But then the last 20 years-- it's felt like, the speed of light!
Joe - It’s been pretty amazing.
Selena - I picture it like an egg hatching. There's just this little crack here, and then another crackle there. And then eventually enough people are in the public eye that people know and respect, and that seem otherwise “normal”, right? And it's like suddenly that egg cracks wide open. And it seems like it happens overnight, but it's been cracking for a very long time. Having people with a high profile speak up and live their lives makes a difference. I am not a Kardashian follower, but I remember when Jenner was on the Wheaties box. When it became clear that it wasn’t a stunt and she really was coming out as trans, I thought, how great is that? She was an Olympic athlete, no less.
“I don’t feel lonely,” Selena says. “I quite like being alone. When I was younger I invited friends over, and we never thought much of two men sleeping in the same room. However, now it’s different. Now I’m at an age where my friends would know exactly what it means.”
“Like one time I had this girl over who I didn’t really feel that comfortable with. We were going to the school dance and we had to come here to change first. But see, she didn’t have time to assess the situation. We just came in, changed, and left. If she asked any questions I just switched the subject. In my new school friends might come over, but it would be like that. They wouldn’t have time to figure out what is going on.”
Selena pushes her pillows up against the wall. She scoots back and leans against them. Her feet, in her white socks, stick out over the edge of the bed. “Eventually it will probably come out,” Selena says, opening her brown eyes wide. “My father always carries this leather bag, and if he ever comes to a function at my next school—” Selena’s voice trails off. She stares sadly in front of her.
“It doesn’t bother me that much, and it’s getting to bother me less because it’s becoming more common. But if he comes to my next school, I’m not going to say a damn thing. Let them think whatever they want to think. I’m positive that they’re going to say something about it. They’ll probably ridicule me for the rest of my school life, until I leave that school. I just think people are like that.”
It starts to snow outside. First a few flakes fall lazily from the sky, then more. Andrew has finished wrapping the trees with lights. By the time Andrew walks with the end of the cords to the garage, to plug them in, snowflakes are filling the air. They are falling lightly on the grass, on the trees, on the driveway. Andrew plugs in the strings of lights.
Selena sits up and sneezes suddenly. She sneezes again. She takes a tissue out of the box and wipes her nose. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone that I can talk to about these things,” Selena says. “It’s impossible in my school, but I know it’s not impossible. Then again, maybe I’m not looking for that person. I don’t know.”
Selena in 2022
Joe - You were protective of the secret because you didn't think your friends would understand and be able to treat you right after learning the truth. However, you also saw the way the world was looking at your father and Andrew. If you went to a grocery store and people were giving sideways glances, or whispering something, you were very protective of them. The whole family was very aware of being slighted. And then you had the nosy neighbors.
Selena - We had to be hyper aware. But we did have one set of neighbors that were just a godsend, our immediate neighbors were from Germany. They had no issues with it and were so welcoming. And it was so wonderful to be warmly accepted by another family. We were this little party of three in this tiny little town and we stuck out like Rudolph the reindeer. About 6 years ago I got back in touch with a girl who had lived down the street. And she shared that, “my parents told me not to come to your house anymore.” I was mostly aware that kids were told that, but she was the first person who revealed that her parents told her not to come over. However, to her credit, she still came to our house.
Joe - And did her parents say why she couldn't come?
Selena - I mean, you're in a small town with one stoplight. You get two men living in a house. They carry purses in this almost entirely Catholic agricultural town, and have a seven year old girl. We were given a wide berth.
Joe - It's really interesting how prevalent the prejudice was at that time. It was horrible. And here we are now. Yes, it's 40 years later, but it’s so different.
Selena – Yes, and it is so very sad that my father never lived to see any of that.
Joe - How long ago did he die
Selena - 24 years ago. That's before Ellen was on TV, before you had Anderson Cooper on TV, and Don Lemon on TV. And now lots of gay people are adopting kids, and gay couples are getting married. Every time I turn around, I'm meeting same sex couples who have multiple kids. I mean, it's a different planet than the one I grew up on. And I think it is going to be really hard for anyone who is being raised in a gay family now to understand what it was like to be a part of that forty years ago. Because it was a completely different world. It was a completely different world. And I don't think it changed dramatically for 20 years after that time. But then the last 20 years-- it's felt like, the speed of light!
Joe - It’s been pretty amazing.
Selena - I picture it like an egg hatching. There's just this little crack here, and then another crackle there. And then eventually enough people are in the public eye that people know and respect, and that seem otherwise “normal”, right? And it's like suddenly that egg cracks wide open. And it seems like it happens overnight, but it's been cracking for a very long time. Having people with a high profile speak up and live their lives makes a difference. I am not a Kardashian follower, but I remember when Jenner was on the Wheaties box. When it became clear that it wasn’t a stunt and she really was coming out as trans, I thought, how great is that? She was an Olympic athlete, no less.
